Words Matter: The Importance of Thoughtful Communication

When Karen Moller, an author and filmmaker, embarked on a mission to build schools in the Philippines, she encountered a life-changing situation. One night, 17 members of the New People’s Army (NPA), the armed wing of the Communist Party of the Philippines, invaded her home to interrogate her. Earlier that day, villagers had warned her about the impending visit. Prepared for the confrontation, Moller collected two precious commodities—sugar and coffee.

When the NPA arrived, she welcomed them warmly, saying, “Thank God, I have been waiting for you all day! Please have some coffee. Leave your guns at the door.” Her unexpected reaction confused the group’s leader. He complied, removed his gun, and sat down for coffee. This gesture of hospitality transformed the atmosphere from intimidation to communication. Moller avoided interrogation, believing they could not interrogate someone they’d had coffee with.

Through her charm and hospitality, Moller turned a potentially hostile situation into one of civility and conversation. This story illustrates how enchantment can transform situations and relationships, converting hostility into civility in homes, leadership, or offices.

In the words of the Greek philosopher Aristotle, human beings interact with each other almost all the time, thereby, impacting each other’s lives. We communicate with clients, friends, relatives, or colleagues every moment, whether face-to-face, on the phone, or by email. Good communication can achieve the desired effects, while bad communication can trigger frustration, anger, and annoyance. Communication can backfire when it unintentionally conveys hidden messages or normalizes undesired behaviors.

In today’s fast-paced business environment, effective communication is crucial for the success of any entity. Effective communication is essential whether selling a product, promoting an idea, or seeking behavioral change. The way communication is delivered is equally important. Using kind words can have a lasting impact on our well-being and self-esteem, and this should not be overlooked.

In this article, we will explore the science behind positive and negative words and their effects on well-being. We will also examine some commonly used words and phrases that often have negative connotations for many people.

The Science Behind Words: The Benefits of Being Intentional with Your Words

Our brains subconsciously respond more strongly to threats and negativity than to positive influences. This phenomenon serves as our mind’s way of protecting us and establishing a defense mechanism.

Barbara Fredrickson’s theory of happiness states that we need to generate at least three positive comments for every negative word directed at us. This means that if you say something unpleasant to a friend, colleague, or family member, they will require three positive words to counteract the negative one.

Additionally, Andrew Newberg, a neuroscientist at Thomas Jefferson University, and Mark Robert Waldman, a communications expert, state in their book Words Can Change Your Brain, that “a single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.”

Proverbs 16:24 says, “Kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” This ancient wisdom is supported by modern scientific studies, which have shown that kind words can stimulate the release of hormones associated with happiness, such as dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. These hormones not only improve our mood but also have a positive impact on our physical health by reducing stress levels, lowering blood pressure, and enhancing overall well-being. In essence, the words we speak and hear can significantly influence both our mental and physical health, demonstrating the deep connection between communication and well-being.

Health benefits of positive thinking according to researchers may include:

• Lower rates of depression

• Lower levels of distress and pain

• Greater resistance to illnesses

• Better coping skills during hardships and times of stress

Hapa Ni Wapi

Not too long ago, a viral video “Hapa ni wapi” (where is this) surfaced on the internet.
It was the video of four young Kenyan men in a military outfit, sarcastically challenging their maths teacher: “Mwalimu wa maths ulisema siwezi enda mbali. Hapa ni wapi?” (My math teacher, you said I wouldn’t make it in life. Look at where I am now!)

I have interacted with many people who have lost hope simply because someone told them they wouldn’t succeed in life. Back in primary school, I remember five classmates who were labeled ‘good for nothing’ and subsequently abandoned their education, convinced they were destined to fail.
Interestingly, a few years later, three of them got married shortly after becoming teenagers, while the others pursued vocational training and became skilled masons and welders. However, such discouragement doesn’t just occur at school; it also happens at work and even at home, where some parents unknowingly crash their children’s dreams with negative remarks.

17 Phrases and Words to Avoid for Professional Communication

When addressing people—whether face-to-face, in writing, or meetings—it’s crucial to consider the words you use to ensure a professional impression.

1. Why Did You/Didn’t You
These phrases can unintentionally provoke defensiveness in others. For instance:
“Why did you do that?” or “Why didn’t you do what I told you?” These questions trace back to child psychology.

For example, “Why didn’t you do your homework?” or “Why didn’t you bathe?”
Instead, use neutral words like ‘What’ or ‘How’. Instead say, “How did you arrive at that decision?” or “What informed your decision?” Making this adjustment can positively impact your communication and relationships— it is a simple tweak with a significant impact.

2. I Cannot
Avoid using ‘I cannot’ as it conveys a defeatist attitude and blocks further negotiation. Instead, focus on what is possible. Instead of “I can’t attempt the assignment,” say “It’s an opportunity to learn something new.”

3. Unfortunately
This word can magnify the negative impact of bad news, making it seem more disheartening. For example:
“Unfortunately, our presentation didn’t impress the panel.” Instead, reframe it constructively: “Our presentation didn’t impress the panel, so we can use what we learned to improve in the next one.”

4. But
The word ‘but’ can block the free flow of ideas and harm relationships. Instead of ‘but’, try using ‘and’.
For example: “That was good teaching, and with more research and practice, you’ll excel even better.”

5. Did You
This phrase sounds accusatory and confrontational, potentially blocking communication:
For example, saying “Did you forget to finish the report?” might sound critical. Instead, use a more neutral approach: “Were you able to finish the report?” is less judgmental and promotes open communication.

6. I Know
Responding with ‘I know’ when someone tells you something you already know can seem dismissive. Try responding with ‘That’s right’ instead—it’s more accommodating.

7. You Always
Avoid using ‘You always’ as it can generalize and exaggerate behavior, leading to defensiveness and conflict. For instance: Instead of saying “You always report late to work,” try “Recently, I’ve observed that…” or “Occasionally, it feels like…”

8. You Could Have…
Using ‘You could have’ can come across as fault-finding and unprofessional, especially in the workplace. For example: Instead of “You could have done it this way,” be constructive and say, “I would recommend doing…”

9. You Never
Avoid using ‘you never’ as it can feel like an unfair criticism:

For instance, saying “You never follow instructions” invalidates their efforts. Instead, use more specific language: “There have been occasions when you didn’t…” or “I’ve noticed that sometimes you don’t…”

10. You Should or You Should Not
Avoid telling others what they ‘should’ or ‘should not’ do, as it can sound judgmental and imply incompetence. Instead, use open-ended phrases: For example, instead of saying, “You should do it this way,” ask, “Have you thought about doing it this way?”

11. You Are on Mute
When used during virtual meetings, this phrase can affect the speaker’s confidence and portray them as incompetent with remote tools. Instead of saying, “We can’t hear you,” try “Can you please check your mic’s settings?”

12. No Offense, But…
Starting a statement with “no offense, but…” usually precedes something offensive or dismissive:
Instead, express disagreement directly and constructively: “Here’s why I disagree.”

13. This Is Pointless
Avoid using this phrase as it can be offensive and dismissive. Instead, suggest an alternative approach or ask for clarification: “What about trying it this way?”

14. You’re Wrong
Using “you’re wrong” shuts down conversation and can escalate conflict. Instead, share your perspective.
For example, “Maybe we can explore both ideas and find common ground.”

15. Dealing With Unsolicited Advice
When receiving unsolicited advice, respond politely and assertively.
“I appreciate your suggestion. If I need help, I’ll reach out to you.”

16. Dealing with Fixed Mindsets
When communicating with people with fixed mindsets, use phrases like ‘I like’ or ‘I wonder’ to express openness. For example, “I like your point; I wonder if…”

17. Showing You Are Listening
Actively listen by asking open-ended questions and using reflection to confirm understanding:
For example, “Tell me more about that?” or “I hear you’re telling me… Is that correct?”

In conclusion, effective communication involves mindful use of language to maintain professionalism and foster positive interactions in all aspects of life. Proverbs 12:18: “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

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